doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

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My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.


Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.


I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)


This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.


‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.


After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.


dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth


My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.


*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers


please stop asking me to change my password, i’m getting tired of renaming my cat all the time