@MarfSalvador

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

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@BuckyIsotope

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

@ceejoyner

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

@ComedicBust

[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..

@JordyHamrick

Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

@AimeeHelene1

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

@dvidsilva

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

@HeyJennyLeone

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me

@Sassafrantz

I’m always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I’m sensitive but I’ve killed people.