doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
When you let grandma cat sit
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
He-man has a Masters degree
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”