doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”