[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
not seeing the problem
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“HELP WITH CAT”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!