Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
What number SPF blocks people?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*