Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.