doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.


If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.


If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do


Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist


Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.


my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling…. everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.


(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one


I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.