3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
You Might Also Like
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
If you can’t kill them with kindness
A shovel will do
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling…. everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.