finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven’t gone off in years
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God: you hate the moon.
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions
Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson
The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
God: also you have eight eyes.