DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven’t gone off in years

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People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove


I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.


Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel


[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends


[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.


Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”