@nicky_prada

Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”

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@OMGSoOverIt

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.

@Sara_Rose_G

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

@dressingperfect

some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep

@Molly_Kats

WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.

@Average_Dad1

Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.

@abbycohenwl

-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim

@SortaBad

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

@ktmcburr

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

@HatfieldAnne

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*