Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.
Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”
Me: “I’m not even physically active”
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When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep
WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.
-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*