Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
You Might Also Like
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.