Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

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My goal when I go to a friend’s house for dinner is to befriend the dog to the point its loyalty is tested.


COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it


Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.


them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day

me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day


Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.


My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.


Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.


RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?