At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
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Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
so weird how every mom was born today
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined