Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
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“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment