Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I bet
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.