Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke