@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

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@Kaladas4U2NV

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

@heatherlou_

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

@Marcmywords2

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

@prufrockluvsong

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

@botandy

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@afiercemind

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.