Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

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I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets


If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.


Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.


What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school


You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.


Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up


Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.