I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.
So much for trying to
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*Robot watches me vape*
Robot: mm yeah but swallow it
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
7: You guys are being weird again.