Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
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*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.