doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
This is hilarious….
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.