Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
You Might Also Like
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh