@thepunningman

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

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@elynnbarlow

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

@dril

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

@CheryeDavis

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

@Mr_Kapowski

[restaurant]

Man *proposing to his gf*: “Will you make me the happiest man alive?”

[me, alone, eating nachos a table over]
“Not possible”

@Iwriteforcats

Cats make the best boyfriends because they’re soft, loyal, and won’t claim they’re straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

@ShortSleeveSuit

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

@Thee1_4U

Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.

@david8hughes

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

@SkinnerSteven

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”