DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

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Early bird gets the worm

2nd mouse gets the cheese

3rd cow gets the grass

All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.


You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!

My infamous last words to my wife


Him: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: If my head got run over by a truck, it would explode like a watermelon.


Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.


“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”


Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene


When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty


*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*


Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.


I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.