DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
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[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Solving a traffic jam
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Yup
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?