Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
😂 amazing answer
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
PLOT TWIST:
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I’m pretty like a car crash.