DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I’m giving up ice.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
When you’ve simply given up.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”