DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.


Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.


[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!


*opens bag and reveals two penguins*


Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man


If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.


“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”


Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”

I love New Yorkers.


I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.


ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*