@notacroc

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

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@Robski_Boy

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

@YUCKYBOT

Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.

@3sunzzz

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

@shutupmikeginn

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

@turtledumplin

If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.

@9GAG

“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”

@RonnieLauth

Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”

I love New Yorkers.

@drxubair

I’d love to change the world. But I don’t think there is a diaper big enough to hold all the shit.

@Brampersandon_

[date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*