Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
is this a threat
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014