My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
You Might Also Like
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Just a bear doing some pole dancing ❤️
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!