doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.


So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.


U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…


I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?


No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….


me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”


3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?





Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!