Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
shut up and take my money
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.