Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

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PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?

ME: I’m very strong

X: So? All my students are

ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*

X: Dear god


High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.


[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos


DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?


Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.


*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot


“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend


Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.