PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?
ME: I’m very strong
X: So? All my students are
ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*
X: Dear god
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
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High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Me: Not those.
*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.