@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

You Might Also Like

@SkinnerSteven

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

@LindseyEllison2

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

@NewDadNotes

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

@vineyille

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

@TheWeirdWorld

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

@beefman138

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

@DaHess1

I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.

@InternetHippo

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

@raeraefairydust

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.