Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

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ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”


If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.


Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.


It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?


How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.


I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.


I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.


Beer keg at party
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party


My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.