@Dani_Feld
@qwertying
Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.
I hate walking into spiderwebs…
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@qwertying
@envydatropic
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
@WGladstone
My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
@PetrickSara
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
@realHamOnWry
What did I learn getting fired today?
Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, “Hey, you’ve got a hole in your haircut”.
@Shelts99
All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.
Dating is hard!
@pauleggleston
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
@bewgtweets
Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.
Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?
Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man
@FattMernandez
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?