ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
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If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
Beer keg at party
-there are better ways to drink beer
The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.