@Dani_Feld

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

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@qwertying

Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.

I hate walking into spiderwebs…

@envydatropic

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

@WGladstone

My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.

@PetrickSara

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

@realHamOnWry

What did I learn getting fired today?

Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, “Hey, you’ve got a hole in your haircut”.

@Shelts99

All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea.

Dating is hard!

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@bewgtweets

Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.

Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?

Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man

@FattMernandez

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?