Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
You Might Also Like
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.