Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Actually cracking up @ this
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.