@WhaJoTalkinBout

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

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@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

@jonnysun

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

@mela_shea

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

@jazmasta

They probably could have called lightbulbs, just “bulbs”. Most people would still get it.

@murrman5

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

@SocialOutcast82

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

@wtfhuman

Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it?
I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don’t remember eating skittles.

@UncleDuke1969

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

@iscoff

“Did you hire a wedding photographer?”

Sure did!

*a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*