A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
No laws when master is gone
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Name another movie that mislead you?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!