DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale