doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
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Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Meme Monday.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
wow he looks just like him
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Basketball
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”