DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

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Did you see that? That’s the third time she came over here. I think she likes me.
“This is Applebee’s and she is our waitress”


My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.


I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.


wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*


Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?


The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.


[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!


The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.


Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.


In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.