DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”