Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened