Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
🙄😏😂🤣
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*pokes sex life with a stick
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke