Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I did not eat the cake…