doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
You Might Also Like
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Aight bet
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*