Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
You Might Also Like
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Walked 2 kms on four lane highway and Fitbit is showing 2 kms covered and not 8.
C’mon Fitbit, update your app with new formula.
[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”
Now, I tweet them
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story