@PleaseBeGneiss

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

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@briangaar

Girl can I ask you a question *gets down on one knee* would you like to make $8,000 a week working from home

@Cpin42

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

@Vishj05

Walked 2 kms on four lane highway and Fitbit is showing 2 kms covered and not 8.

C’mon Fitbit, update your app with new formula.

@KeetPotato

[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
ok um
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*

@Reverend_Scott

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

@jacaristar

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

@_davidlucas_

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

@dlockw21

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….