MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
You Might Also Like
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back