[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…