@PleaseBeGneiss

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

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@YoungFunE

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

@batkaren

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

@AtticusFinch79

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

@ShittyComedian

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

@erichwithach

Them: You make your own happiness.

Dr. Frankenstein: Like this?

Them: No not like that.

@BadJordon

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

@XAIMMadellynne

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

@AmoNickk

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

@hdurant

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now