Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fizzy dice.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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With great power comes great electricity bill.
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.
Rock beats paper.
And the crowd goes wild.