DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

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Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers


Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach


HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told


So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.


Them: You make your own happiness.

Dr. Frankenstein: Like this?

Them: No not like that.


Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.


I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.


Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat


Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face


I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now