Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Quadruple digit IQ
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.