Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now