Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
You Might Also Like
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?