Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet?
Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news?
Me: Then, no, I haven’t.
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When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? – just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
She: You have a girlfriend?
He: No. I had one, though.
She: Where did she go?
He: She #Ransomware
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[text from wife]
I want a divorce
Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!
Haha, April fools