@WilliamAder

Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet?
Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news?
Doctor: No.
Me: Then, no, I haven’t.

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@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@theshamingofjay

When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? – just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings

@TheWeirdWorld

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

@_davidlucas_

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

@Try2StopME

She: You have a girlfriend?

He: No. I had one, though.

She: Where did she go?

He: She #Ransomware

@jellybnbonanza

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

@le_buns

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

@HomeProbably

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

@squirrel74wkgn

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools