doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Ugh
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*