doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!