@EndhooS

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

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@hunz74

The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.

@KrispyTacoBelle

[Drive thru window]

Me: “The guy behind me said he would pay for this…”

@AndrewNadeau0

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

@Cpin42

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

@ryanyeetz

my mom: you need to call and make that appointment yourself
me: actually i’m okay. i really only need one good ankle

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@sarcasticmommy4

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?