Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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The most rewarding part of my job is meeting and working with so many uniquely terrible personalities.
[Drive thru window]
Me: “The guy behind me said he would pay for this…”
I need a new hobby, like archery or heroin.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
my mom: you need to call and make that appointment yourself
me: actually i’m okay. i really only need one good ankle
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?