modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.
Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct