My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
You Might Also Like
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The struggle is real
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”