@tastefactory

DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being

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@dshack8

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

@PaperWash

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

@thedad

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@lmegordon

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

@_Tempo11

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

@Probgoblin

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.