Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials