50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being
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bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.