doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?


If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.


Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone


The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.


[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this


Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.


I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁


Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE


Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.