@pleatedjeans

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

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@elisemarie91

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

@ItsMeAshleyWee

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

@Stellar_AF

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@markydoodoo

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

@Rollmaninoz

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@pleatedjeans

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

@Karissajem

Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.