Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Something Saturday.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.