DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
A new level of troll.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.