DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

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Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.


Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.


Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that


The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.


It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..


The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.


“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered


It’s like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.


With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse