DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
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My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”